Pete Hegseth Is Busy Zhuzhing Up Our Military

After Checking Out the IDF, He Wants to Make America Hot Again (MAHA)

Did you hear about the barrage Pete Hegseth unleashed at the Top 600 Military Leaders Summit—literally dragging them in from all over the world—just to browbeat them for being overweight and sporting too much facial hair? It had me wondering what could’ve sparked this sudden aggression. So, I googled “Hegseth in Israel,” and sure enough—after his visit in May, it all made sense.

Clearly, he was impressed after checking out our Jewish boys in the IDF—and was, how shall we say, taken aback, if not overwhelmed, by their hotness. (I mean, have you seen them? My heart be still, too.) It’s not hard to imagine Petey returning to America annoyed that our top brass looks less like Adonis and more like Rosie O’Donnell.

ENTER: PROJECT ZHUZH — MAKE AMERICA HOT AGAIN (MAHA)

It’s no coincidence that the ex–Fox News Testosterone Daddy (see image above) also renamed the Department of Defense to the Department of War. I mean, it just sounds butcher. You have to agree.

Besides, he doesn’t want to be outdone by RFK Jr.’s Make America Healthy Again in the red-hat slogan department. Let’s see who can sell more MAHA merch! Pete’s goal seems to be creating an army of hotties and flaunting them around the world for all to see.

Ever since his little Holy Land excursion, Pete’s been giving off major “Make America Hot Again” energy. I can almost hear the grinding of the wheels turning in his head, a brainless brainstorming session if you will: “We gotta be more like G.I. Joe meets Gold’s Gym with a hint of Equinox pretty boy.”

And who can blame him? The Israeli Defense Forces are a global thirst trap—their Instagram alone could double as a Polo Ralph Lauren ad campaign, complete with a GQ cover story shot by Bruce Weber. The men and women of the IDF are fit, tanned, and perpetually camera-ready. Pete’s visit to Israel for geopolitics turned into an obsession. He must have decided on the plane ride home to order an immediate reassignment—surgery, kidding—for what our military needs to look like—and aspire to.

As the song goes, “It only takes a minute, girl, to fall in love.” It only takes one glimpse of a few chiseled soldiers in olive drab doing pull-ups on a Tel Aviv beach to be inspired—and march home with a new vision for America’s fighting force.

This week, after his smackdown of the generals, he fired Jon Harrison—the guy he’d hired to help reshape (no pun intended) the military. Pete’s all about ending DEI, so I wondered what box Jon fit into. A quick Google image search later, my gaydar went off—and suddenly this whole “Make the Military Hot Again” movement started feeling very Grindr-wannabe.

You don’t have to be queer to recognize when someone is channeling a little too much Real Housewives energy while lecturing about discipline. Bill Maher even did a hilarious bit on this, pointing out how bizarre it is that Hegseth’s call for “getting tough” sounds more like he’s auditioning to host Queer Eye: Military Edition.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m all for a little zhuzhing. I’ve been doing it all my life. Presentation matters, especially on the front lines. But let’s be honest: Hegseth’s crusade to trim, tone, and tweeze America’s armed forces feels less like strategy and more like a glow-up. If he starts suggesting new uniforms from Hugo Boss, I’m gonna plotz.

Get my book, “Won’t Be Silent - Don’t Stop ‘til It Matters.